Monday, May 18, 2009


Today’s theme, children, is masochism. Specifically, the well-worn theme of how I seem to go out of my way to make my life more difficult. Or, in other words, it is the story of what I did this weekend.

First up is this blog entry itself. As I said previously, my home keyboard is on the fritz, as the spacebar is no longer functioning. This entire post was composed by using the letter qtwice where every space went, then using Word’s search and replace function to make the switch to something more legible. All because I really felt the need to vent RIGHT NOW and couldn’t be bothered to buy the damn replacement keyboard.

Exhibit B: What I did Friday night. I stayed home and did my readings for the next week. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this, on occasion. But honestly don’t know how much of my motivation was actually not wanting to go out, how much of it was a feeling that I’d be imposing on someone else if I tried to shoe in on their plans, and how much was sheer pride: no one calls me? That’s fine, I didn’t want to go out anyway. And that’s a problem.

Exhibit C: what I did the rest of my weekend. So far, I’ve read 300 pages of video game theory, with another400 to go. See, way back in September, a friend very generously lent me a few books on the subject, and now, after enough time that it’s become pretty clear I won’t be giving them back of my own accord, they very reasonably asked for me to return the books. Suddenly, I’m convinced that I must speed my way through them all before returning them. It’s ridiculous, because I’m sure they’d allow me a few extra days if they knew I was honestly putting theqbooks to good use, but I can’t seem to do it any other way. Added question: given that I’m fairly certain the person in question reads the blog, what really is my motivation for writing this? Couldn’t I just ask for the extension? Or am I doing that now?

Exhibit D: my plane ticket home. I wanted to change the date of my trip home so I could make my mother’s retirement banquet. Now, if I had done it the night I heard about the banquet, it would have meant about a hundred dollars to make the changes. ,Now, because I waited, it’s two hundred. I paid it, but it still makes me feel foolish for yet again making things harder for myself. And the change itself was a nightmarish process. (Additionally, the word verification phrase was ”you Judiasm”, which is weird, right?) First, westjet needed my credit card security code, which I had forgotten. Then, to have that changed, I needed to get into my credit card account. Which I was locked out of for getting the my own date of birth wrong twice. Then after I called the representative to get that changed, I spelt my mother’s maiden wrong, and so was lockedaaout AGAIN. I can honestly say I never had so much trouble spending $200.00. But again, every step was my own damn fault.

On top of everything else, I twisted my ankle running on Thursday, so I spent the entire long weekend in my apartment, trying to stay off my foot. So I couldn’t even exercise to let off steam.

Sometimes I think that’s why I’ve stayed in school so long: it’s the one aspect of my life I can manage well on a regular basis.

Ok, this has been a pretty downer post. Things aren’t that bad for me: as the Holloways put it:” sometimes you get so low, you don't know why, or a little upset all inside. May I remind you that you don't live in poverty, you got your youth, and you got food in your belly.”

So I’ll post back in a few days about, I don’t know, fluffy clouds or something, and hope this funk will pass.


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