Saturday, March 1, 2014

And Bill Murray saw his shadow, and his heart grew three sizes that day. Or something.

Are you ready for the dumbest life-changing event ever?

A while ago, I was reading up on a blog, where the author had posited a game:

Boil a movie's moral/plot into a single sentence, usually with humorous consequence. For example: 
I, Robot: Racial prejudice is entirely justified, and all those people who think we can get along are just dupes blinded to the secret cabal who rules the world and plans to murder us all when the time is right!

And so forth. It took off big in the comments, where people expanded on points, argued, and came up with their own examples, which is basically how the internet is supposed to work. The whole was amusing, in a look-how-clever-we-are kind of way, which is how the internet actually works, at least, when it's not terrible. And then I ran into this one, from the comments section:

Groundhog Day: Your life sucks more than you realize, and won’t improve until you pull your head out of your ass and do something about it.

It was... a gut punch, if I'm being honest. For reasons better left unsaid, I felt like it was a statement that cut directly to my own situation. And yeah, it sucks to have a situation that can be summed up so succinctly by such a negative statement. (In fact, it sucks more than you realize. Ahem.) But I didn't do anything about it, because it was easier not to do anything about it. And six months passed, and nothing changed, and it really isn't that bad, and I do like my life, and my friends and my family, and it's mostly just me I'm not so crazy about, and it's easy enough to ignore yourself if you have enough good things going on. So I carry on. I have a good time. But now, whenever anything goes sour, I've got the Groundhog Day mantra always lurking in my head, ready to jump in the moment my enthusiasm flags: "Your life sucks more than you realize, and won't improve until you pull your head out of your ass and do something about it."

And again, for reasons better left unsaid, something happened last night that brought the whole thing up again. I don't think anyone noticed my existential crisis (which of course creates its own crisis: Is no one noticing because I'm really good at lying and deceiving my friends? Or is it because no one cares?) but it was the proverbial back-breaking straw. I want to be better. I want something better. And it's not because this is bad, but because it doesn't fit me as well as it used to.

Problem being, of course, I don't have any idea what that means. So I'm trying a bunch of different things, and we'll see what sticks. This blogpost is part of that, actually. I'm not really comfortable presenting this level of honesty and emotional vulnerability to the world, but I figure if I actually put what I'm feeling into words--even oblique words that feature the phrase "better left unsaid" with such emotional cadence that I might as well shoved in a set of ellipses in 40 size font, then I'd be pushed into actually doing something. So let's get the head out of the ass. Let's see what's out there.

Later Days.

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