I'm going to try and get back to a regular posting schedule. Here's a little gem that, temporally, occurred about a week ago.
So your front tire is leaking air? No problem! Here's an easy, step-by-step guide to changing that tire and getting YOU back on the road.
Step 1. Deflate the tire.
Step 2. Since you don't have the proper tool for opening the tire valve, use a thumb tack.
Step 3. After your hand slips several times, and you prick yourself, you will now be bleeding. Find some kleenex to clean up the blood.
Step 4. Tug and pull at the tire earnestly for a few minutes, and curse at it because you can't seem to remove it.
Step 5. Use the quick-release system to detach the tire.
Step 6. Tug and pull at the tire earnestly for a few minutes, and curse at it because you can't seem to remove it.
Step 7. Detach the front brakes.
*NOTE: Steps 4 and 6 can be skipped if you're in a hurry.
Step 8. Pry the tire off so you can get at the inner tube.
Step 9. Since you don't have any tire levers, use butterknives to pry to tire off. This will also involve much cursing.
Step 10. Remove the inner tube.
Step 11. Stand back and look at the tire, the tube, and the wheel, and feel a sense of satisfaction.
Step 12. Feel sense of satisfaction fade when you realize you're missing something.
Step 13. Go to the bike shop the next day and buy a new inner tube.
Step 14. Buy the inner tube two sizes too big, because you can't read your own hand writing and that 2 really looks like a 4.
Step 15. Put the tube back around the wheel rim, and the tire around the tube. Re-inflate. (Note: Did I mention you need an air pump for this step? Well, you need an air pump for this step.)
Step 16. Experience extreme difficulties because your tube is too big. And because your tire was stretched out severely in Step 9 and now resembles Silly Putty.
Step 17. Get extremely agitated and wonder why you were never taught these things properly and blame a poor upbringing (Hi folks!) and ruminate on how this is everyone's fault but yours.
Step 18. Think dark thoughts and add up all this bike has cost you, in terms of finance and in terms of good mental health.
Step 19. Throw the whole damn thing away and buy a new bike.
Optional: Drink a shot of rum between each step. It can't make things any worse, and it might make them better.